The Education of Love and Puzzles

Throughout human history, culture has been grounded upon religious systems. The more civilizations clung to religion as its cultural manna, the more these respective civilizations would be, well, civilized. On the other hand, as these civilizations began to part ways with their religious heritage they inevitably began their journey toward extinction. Without a foundation, no structure can ever last!


No great civilization has been left unscathed by what we would call secularization today and the West is no exception. With our foundation uprooted, we have been forced to replace it with something less “foundational.” Media or what others may call “pop culture” has become the new foundation by which we interpret reality and instill values. It is a feeble foundation but it is a foundation nonetheless.


This “new” worldview offers us a message that is contrary to the “old regime.” The religious ideologies of yesterday appeared to squelch our freedom and particularly our freedom to love. This new ideology broke the shackles of “religious oppression” by offering a new freedom called radical autonomy. No longer was man called to deny his passions but rather was “empowered” to have unrestricted access to them. In the end, love was reduced to a human experience or an outlet for erotic compulsions. In other words, the transmission of love went from inward out to outward in; getting rather than giving.


Unsurprisingly, the new ideology’s greatest advocate has been Hollywood. Autonomy is the new virtue whereby all things are subservient. Murder can look “cool” as long as it is in the name of autonomy. If a character was forced to kill someone then we look at is as sad but in the name of autonomy it is acceptable. Love is the same way. As long as there are no responsibilities placed upon the relationship then it is a love story. If responsibility is called for it must be a self-induced responsibility since radical autonomy is the foundation for “true love.”


The influential power of the Hollywood love story has led to the demise of real love. The movies say “love just happens to you” but this simply is not so. Love “happens to you” in the same way weight loss does. Weight loss is not primarily an experience but rather an action. Similarly, love is not primarily an experience but rather an action. In other words, love must be educated.


The call for love to be educated can be seen through the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle. Each person enters a relationship with a number of puzzle pieces. Just like a real puzzle, each piece contains both “tabs” and “recesses.” These reflect our unique needs (recesses) and our unique gifts (tabs). Childish love reflects that of actual children with puzzles in that they often believe that any piece will join together with another as long as you pound hard enough. Others may even go as far as to trim their favorite piece so as to properly lock into a random piece. Mature love or educated love on the other hand recognizes that not any “tab” will lock with any “recess” and that compromising the integrity of a piece will only lead to an unstable and unrecognizable picture.


Like the child’s puzzle composed of loosely locked pieces, childish love will not survive long. Such love hangs on by a thread with only the slightest agitation needed for its demise. This love is the “gospel” of our culture. It is a love that says, “I’ll determine what you need. How dare you tell me to love you this way! You are never grateful for all I ever do for you!” This love is based on radical autonomy which ignores the unique needs of the other which ultimately denies the value of the person before you.


Slightly more mature but nonetheless incredibly irrational is the approach to trim one’s own pieces to lock into random pieces. While slightly more stable, it is nonetheless very fragile. This love is not as immediately unstable but is ultimately a time bomb waiting to explode. It is a life of complaint love which is not so much love as it is assimilation (i.e. doormat syndrome). In the end, one person is full of resentment due to a life full of compromises and self-neglect. In the same way the pieces lose their original value, so to does the compliant person. When the make-shift puzzle is finally finished the reality overwhelms them with the fact that the picture looks nothing like what was promised before the puzzle was opened. One must be cautious not to place the sole blame on the complaint person in the relationship as it take two for the compliant behavior: One who is the compliant and the other who is the enabler.


Finally, mature love recognizes that not any tab will lock with any recess. This is a difficult truth to put into practice. It requires a deep self-awareness so that one can distinguish between what is actually a gift/solution (tab) to another and what is really a need (recess) cloaked in the form of a gift/solution. Countless are the times where I have tried to fulfill a need by offering what I think is a “solution” only to find myself pounding a solution that does not fit the contours of the need. I have been accused of “not listening” when I could recall the exact conversation AND give one heck of a solution. It is only now that I realize the statement behind the statement. I was not listening to the particular need, which did NOT need a logical solution but rather a hug and a sympathetic ear.


Love must be educated. When we are acutely aware of the contours of the other’s puzzle pieces we are offered the opportunity to love in truth, the truth of the person before us. We are then empowered to fulfill needs according to the deepest needs of the other. Piece by piece we slowly contribute to the picture by maintaining our own integrity as well us upholding the genuine integrity of the other. Only in this particular pursuit of love (i.e. Christian love) will we come away with a picture that defies logic in that the total will always surpass the sum of its individual parts in truth and beauty. May God be Praised!

The Ebb and Flow of Love

Life is dramatic. Rarely do we find ourselves resting peacefully on tranquil waters, gazing into the glassy reflection of the beauty before us. Seldom does life afford us the opportunity “to be” without interruption. Life is something that ebbs and flows. As the birthdays accumulate, we gradually come to see that the changing of life’s seasons is not to be seen as a threat to our peace but rather an opportunity for growth and self-abandonment.  The turbulent waters never bestow restlessness or sin in our lives but rather reveal the darkest recesses of our heart that has gone unnoticed or ignored for far too long. I’m reminded of a great quote by C.S. Lewis: “On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is … If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats:  it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.”

The transitions and stresses of life are indispensable for the pursuit of happiness.  It requires little effort to perceive the joys of life as a contribution to personal beatitude, but it is much more difficult to perceive the opportunities of joy in the turbulent waters of life.  Excluding grave evils, the “ebbs” of life awaken us to our humanity. It is in these moments that we rediscover our self, for better or worse, against that of the world. It is precisely in the dissonance of life’s evils that we see ourselves NOT as a passive agent to life’s circumstances but rather as an active force that contributes to the world by asserting one’s own ‘I’ onto the world. This is precisely what it means to be human and this is something we must be reminded of often.  To be human does not mean simply to receive what the world hands us. To be human is to actively assert one’s own self onto the world to make a unique and unrepeatable contribution to the world.

These ebbs of life are painful because they threaten our self-possession.  These dark moments are dark precisely because they attempt to steal what is so dear to us: ourselves.  Such circumstances present a crossroads by which we can either allow ourselves to be swallowed up by the pain or venture down the road of self-rediscovery.  Like the rats in the cellar, the pains of life reveal that which has held us captive for far too long.  It is up to us to choose whether we reclaim the cellar for ourselves or to assimilate our lives around the life of the rats.

Like life, love has its own ebb and flow but this is often something under appreciated at best and down right loathed at worst.  A healthy love relationship (i.e. dating/courtship or marriage) requires two fundamental callings: a call to be united to the other and a call to remain distinctive persons within this unity.  The late John Paul II termed this a relationship that embraces unity-in-distinction.  Unity without distinction is assimilation (i.e. doormat syndrome) while distinction without unity is mutual appropriation (i.e. using someone merely as a means for one’s own gratification).  The work of love resides directly in the pursuit of these two dimensions and it is where we discover the catalyst for the ebb and flow of love.

When I speak of the “ebb and flow” of love I refer to a particular dynamic of relationships that manifest a continuous drawing closer (flow) to one another with a subsequent drawing back (ebb) from one another.  While the reasons for why one would draw near to another in love is self-evident, the reasons why one would “draw back” from the other for the sake of love is not as self-evident.  One cannot deny the fact that such a distancing can be a legitimate threat to love and so should be treated as just that. On the other hand, one ought to recognize a well and needed good in such a distancing if it is done for the right reasons.

Like the ebbs of life, the ebbs of love afford us the opportunity to rediscover our self independently of our beloved.  This opportunity is NOT for its own sake but rather for the sake of love.  Reduced to a quest for autonomy, such opportunities quickly turn from a means of greater intimacy to a threat of love.  The drawing back from one another provides a rich terrain for self-rediscovery. This reawakening (or deepening) of the ‘I’ independent of the ‘thou’ enriches the opportunity for genuine unity which is nothing more than an expression of mutual self-gift.  The more one is self-aware (i.e. self-rediscovery) the more one is able to give oneself to the other. Hence, the ebb and flow of love.

Pursuing a life of self-rediscovery within a relationship can be achieved in both healthy and harmful ways.  One must always seriously discern whether or not such an activity is for the good of the relationship. For instance, a married man may suddenly desire to take a spontaneous three-week trip with “the guys” to Hawaii but is such a trip good for the marriage?  While the value of independence is good for the sake of love, this value must always serve love.  In other words, while the value of independence must never be compromised, how one prefers to express this must always find compromise since it serves a very particular love who is your beloved.  A three-week vacation may not be prudent but maybe a well-planned ahead weekend camping trip nearby might by.

As alluded above, same-sex friendships are one of the most valuable ways to maintain and enrich one’s own self. Countless are the times I have witnessed “new love” abandon all friendships through the impulse to spend every waken moment together.  Such negligence only leads to problems down the road.  Assimilation impinges upon the relationship which ultimately turns one person into a carbon-copy of the other.  It is only a matter of time before the radically compliant partner explodes through months/years of resentment.  May we all strive to cultivate and maintain healthy and holy same-sex friendships both for their own sake and for the sake of your current or future beloved! In the end, may we all journey well down the path of self-rediscovery for the sake of love; for the sake of self-gift.  May God be Praised!

To Use or To Be Used: That is the Wrong Question

A student comes to me visibly hurt.  She explains the unrest she has been experiencing over the past few weeks.  For her, the pain is a symptom of her “selfishness” which acts as an abrasive agent to the wound.  You see, the young student is striving to saturate every dimension of her life with the Gospel, including relationships. She recognizes in the core of her being that genuine relationships must exclude “using” the other for one’s own pleasure.  In “using” someone, one treats the other like a consumer product which goes against the dignity of every person.  We all experience free-will which is part of our human nature.  When someone treats another person merely as a means to an end, the person using the other denies the other person’s freedom by “enslaving” him or her to their desires!  Human experience ratifies this claim over and over through the experience of shame that arises when a person is the recipient of objectification. We are never meant to be merely a satisfaction to someone else’s pleasures; we are so much more than this!

It may seem good to conclude that this particular student has a mature grasp of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how it ought to influence relationships.  If that is true, why the unsettled soul and visibly manifested hurt?  She has correctly turned away from the hedonistic lifestyle, so we must look at exactly what she has turned toward to understand the source of her pain.

I was most interested in her self-evaluation of being “selfish.”  When I asked her to comment on her feelings she responded she was having a difficult time disregarding her own needs/wants for the sake of “the good of the other.”  When I asked her to give an example, she immediately spoke about a particular friend who was constantly “needing help” but that this friend would never be there for her in times of need. Instead of talking to her friend about this, she simply suppressed the “negative feelings” calling them selfish and sinful since a Christian “ought to give without asking for return.” It was at this moment that I discovered the source of her pain. The source of pain was not due to the Gospel being lived out in her life, but rather from living a distorted view of the Gospel commonly referred to as radical altruism.

Radical altruism is a belief that one ought to deny one’s own values and pleasures for the sake of the good of the other.  While this sounds Christian at first glance, it is as deadly of a belief as hedonism.  All one needs to do is look to Peter Singer, an “ethicist” at Princeton University, to recognize this danger.  For Mr. Singer, the idea that an individual would push his or her own personal value systems and beliefs on to a suffering person is outlandish.  For Singer, the solution is simple: sometimes you should kill the suffering person and end their misery and don’t worry about what you think about it.

While Peter Singer may be an extreme example of radical altruism, it is an example nonetheless and it illustrates the pitfalls of such a belief.  Thankfully the young student had not taken her radical altruism that far.  Rather, the source of her pain came from allowing herself to be used by others.  The irony of it all was that she established relationships with others that expressed the very thing she denied: that no person may be an object of use … except for herself apparently!

If hedonism and radical altruism both lead to the same grave end (a person being used), then is there any alternative? The answer is yes!  The wisdom of the Church has maintained a philosophy that has given birth to the most passionate people in the world and the most giving people in the world.  We typically call these people saints.  They neither live a life of hedonism nor feel compelled to suppress the desires of their heart for the sake of the good of the other.

The late John Paul II has given this philosophy of life a name: The Personalistic Norm.  In short, this norm speaks of the need for each relationship to subordinate the value of ones own pleasures to the value of the person you are in relationship with.  John Paul is adamant to note that this does not mean to eradicate ones own pleasure, but to subordinate them.  In other words, while the value of pleasure is real and good, those pleasure should not exceed (in value) the value of the actual person in front of you. Once that happens, the relationship risks turning into a relationship of utility (or mutual utility).

This is precisely what Christ speaks of when He speaks of the life He is about to offer for the sins of world. He does not offer His life merely for the good of the world, but rather He offers his life to the world feely and in accordance with the desires of His own heart (cf. Jn 10.17-18).  How often do we ignore our own desires for the “sake of the good of the other” or how many times do we listen to our own desires over that of the needs of the others? Both experiences are twisted and in need of redemption. 

How often do we, like the student I spoke with, give to the point where we are on the verge of breaking? This is a sign of a life lived in radical altruism.  How often do we consume to the point that we feel like we no longer have control over our own life? This is a sign of a life lived in hedonism.  Ideally we are called to seek the good of the other in such a way that it is always in accordance with the desires of our own heart.  Such an integrated life is rarely perfectly expressed but we must always strive to at least appreciate the value of the person more so than our own pleasures.  Only through a life submitted to Christ and His Holy Church will we be able to experience the life we were created to live; a life that perfectly integrates our passions and our love and respect for every person we meet.  May God be Praised!

You Have Permission to Hurt Me, Not Harm Me

What do fast-food chain restaurants and many of today’s relationships have in common? They both take pride in offering a product with awesome expediency. Thankfully, although still being the fattest country in the world, the sobering reality that fast food may in fact make us “well-feed” while not “well-nourished” has awoke many from their artery-clogged comas! In other words, I’ll be the first to admit that while consuming a Big Mac and a large fry definitely does not hurt going done, it does in fact harm me in the long run (see Super Size Me for frightening statistics). On the other hand, while ordering a bag of carrots and a small salad may hurt my desire for something other than “horse food,” it is undeniable that such a superior decision will in fact be good for me in the long run!

As I mentioned above, while we have come to a sobering reality of the negative effects of fast food (i.e. obesity, diabetes, disease), we are still the fattest country in the world. Apparently, knowledge is not sufficient for change! In the end, the practical reality that I want food and want it now will often trump any rational discourse on what may be better in the long run. Thus, the element of change will only come when we actual desire the good over the convenient and this takes time and sacrifice. It will hurt in the immediacy but it will be incredibly good in the long run!

I say all this to present a poignant analogy to a current trend in dating relationships. Like the starving gentleman looking to satiate his desire for food as quickly and conveniently as possible, our culture seems to be starving for relationships which is propelling them to seek in the same matter as they would seek food: quickly and conveniently. Such a relationship moves from the exchange of numbers to the exchange of house keys, and the words “I love you” are exchanged before either knows the other’s middle name.

Unsurprisingly, the effects of “fast food dating” have been equally if not more damaging than the actual fast food industry. These effects manifest themselves in depression, increased rates of suicide, and even abuse. What has happened in our culture is that in the name of love we have erratically begun searching for relationships. We become “well-feed” but ill nourished which ultimately propagates the seemingly insatiable desire. In the end we find ourselves in a closed system of “quick fixes” which only leave us starving all the more!

The diagnosis of the symptoms is that we are made for more than just enjoyment! We are made to know and be known, to love and to be loved deeply and authentically with the purpose of giving ourselves wholly to another. The fast food relationship culture has impeded nearly all opportunities for one to really know, love and give oneself to the other. The necessity to quench one’s own desires becomes the dominating impulse and general pulse of the relationship. In other words, it remains inward focused rather than outward and so becomes ill nourished. Fortunately, Christ has come into the world to set us free from the selfish desires of our heart so that we may love as we were created to love. With Christ as our strength, I would like to share two ways of overcoming the damaging forces of fast food dating!

The beginning of a relationship is incredibly exhilarating as passions and emotions are become intoxicating. During this time, the man is typically dominated by the question “when” while the women is typically dominated by the question “why.” As for the man, he is asking himself, “When will I be able to kiss this woman?” As for the woman, she is asking herself, “Why should I kiss this man?” It is the man who, being initially motivated by the sexual urge, needs to have his question moved from a “when” to a “who.” Who is this woman I long to kiss? This transition from when to who is powerfully and effectively driven by a woman’s “no.” It will be the woman’s assertive and loving “no” that will become the fertile ground for a man to say yes to her as a person rather than an object of appropriation.

Finally, this “no” may appear mean and uncharitable but that is far from the truth. As stated above, we must always make the distinction between hurting and harming another. While we ought never to harm anyone, we are not under the same moral mandate when it comes to hurting another. It is not easy for a man to hear the word no, but it may good for him. Likewise, it is not easy for a woman to hear the word no but it may be good for her! Our yes’s mean nothing unless we have the ability to say no. Our no’s and yes’s define where each of us begin and where we end! This creates clear boundaries for the other so that one can love the other for who they actually are, not what one may desire to conform them to be!

Resting confidently in our redemption with Christ, may we strive to seek holy and healthy relationships by establishing healthy boundaries with our no’s and yes’s allowing us to love and be loved as we are, not what others would like us to be. May God be Praised!

Self-Mastery & Gadgets

Those who know me know that I love technology! Although I have been formally removed from the world of software development for nearly ten years, my hunger for new technology has not dissipated in the least. Like Moore’s Law which states that technology roughly doubles every 18 months, my desire for a new gadget intensifies almost proportionately to that law. While I think it is safe to say I’m exaggerating my gadget addiction, I do want to recognize a potential disproportionate desire for new technology at times. I typically rationalize my longing through my deeper desire for organization. Anything that helps me quantify every aspect of my daily life is incredibly alluring! After all, the more I can use technology to quantify things (including myself) the more I will be able to know myself better and be more responsible, right? Such a belief almost makes my disproportionate desire for technology a noble quest. Believe it or not, it wasn’t until last week that a pin-leak was discovered in this inflated rationality of mine which is soon to become a full-blown flat.

The error in my thinking was revealed shortly after a grueling run with a friend of mine who is currently on summer break from seminary. For the sake of my friend, I must admit that it was a grueling run for me and not him. As we were walking back to our cars I brought up the topic of my new fancy running watch which records about everything you could possibly record about yourself and the surrounding landscape. He then told me about a mutual friend of ours who is currently a cross country runner for CU and an active member of our campus ministry. He explained to me how this runner begins every race deliberately in the “back of the pack.” Basically, what he does is take inventory of himself, the landscape, and the surrounding runners before engaging the race with intensity, and he doesn’t do this by a gadget but through self-evaluation and observation. He has trained himself to translate accurately the breathing patterns of himself and others. The student can quickly determine if his body is starting to go anaerobic thus enabling himself to make the proper corrections almost instantaneously. Hearing all this was both breathtaking and humbling!

Up until this point of the conversation, I had thought that my constant connectivity to gadgets was only aiding my quest for self-mastery through accurate knowledge, planning, et cetera. What I quickly learned was that I really did not know myself like I thought I knew myself. One may easily make the excuse that as long as you are in tune with your soul, you are doing well, but that is bad theology. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that the body was created as the form of the soul. In other words, our soul and body are so intimately tied together that what you learn about the body can lead to knowledge about the soul and vice versa. This runner’s intimate knowledge of his body can easily be translated into virtue of the soul!

Take for instance the student’s ability to gauge his physical heart incredibly well during a run. Having the ability to modify his pace correctly given the slightest change in the rhythm of his heart offers him the opportunity to run efficiently, giving his best each time. One can only assume that such self-awareness is equally present off the trail as it is on the trail. How much more is the runner able to perceive physiological stimuli that are heading toward temptation well before the temptation becomes enticing? While the phrase “listen to your body” may sound too new aged to some, it is deeply Catholic!

We live in a plugged-in world. Everywhere I go I see people plugged into laptops, cell phones, and ipods. While technology is a great gift, it also can be an enormous impediment to knowing oneself. The impediment largely comes in the form of only knowing two dimensions of ourselves: zero and sixty miles per hour. Unfortunately, we are plugged in during those times when we move from 10 to 20 mph which consequently doesn’t register on the radar screen. I would like to challenge all of us to unplug ourselves a little more from the distractions that may be preventing us from knowing ourselves. This is a hard challenge to offer since I’m arguably the most plugged in among us. Our bodies are all too often against us; it is with excitement that I’m able to see a profound way for our bodies to work for us by drawing us deeply into our spiritual lives, further enabling us to give ourselves to another through the art of self-mastery and virtue! May God be Praised!

But He Has Potential: The Tragedy of the Imagination

The imagination is a powerful reality of the human mind.  With it we have the capacity to re-create the past within our own minds, create scenarios of an unknown future, go on journeys in which the traditional laws of nature simply do not apply, and the like.  While the imagination is powerful, it does have limitations and even weaknesses.  While I may have the capacity to re-create my past within my own mind and even alter the historical chronology of events, such changes in the imagination do not translate into reality. In other words, no matter how much I imagine something to be so, reality trumps.

While this point may appear to be overdrawn, it is worthy of deeper consideration.  How many times have we awoken from an imaginary stupor with feelings of accomplishment?  Countless are the times I have come out of my imagination nearly convinced that I was some incredible Jujitsu master, a secret service agent, or married with a great family! Of course, these creations of my imagination can be quickly debunked when I realize I can’t even kick above my knee without falling over! Nonetheless, caution is the rule of thumb when engaging the imagination. Whether one agrees or disagrees with this statement of caution, one should find it easy to admit that the imagination does in fact make claims completely disproportionate to its actual merits. For this reason alone, one might find reason to engage this faculty more consciencously.

The late great pope John Paul II examines the human faculty of the imagination in a context that is exceedingly more difficult to correct; the context of “Relationships”.  In his book Love & Responsibility, the pope speaks about the “raw materials” of love, two of them being sensuality and sentimentality.  Sensuality is the sexual desire of a particular part of a person’s body whilesentimentality addresses the whole person in their expression of affection for that person (i.e. his/her charm, strength, sensitivity, compassion, etc.).  While it is easy to see the potential pitfall into objectification within the arena of sensuality, the dangers of sentimentality are more subtle. However, JPII is quick to warn us that left alone, sentimentality offers a formidable danger to the health of relationships.

The danger of sentimentality is that it utilizes the imagination for its power.  So much so that the pope deems it worthy to state that “in the eyes of a person sentimentally committed to another person, the value of the beloved object grows enormously – as a rule out of all proportion to his or her real value” (LR, 112).  How many times have we entered into a relationship enchanted by the perceived “perfection” of the other only to become incredibly disenchanted weeks or months later?  This profound experience of disappointment can lead to a sense of anger and even hatred. One may even conclude suspicion of deliberate deception. Such a reaction diminishes if not destroys the capability of seeking the real value of the other! At this point the relationship has ended before it had really begun.  The tragedy of the imagination!

However, the real tragedy of the imagination is not at the stage of disenchantment, but in the response to this “awakening.”  Numerous are the relationships I have witnessed having degenerated from a sentimentally committed relationship to a “potentially good” relationship. There is nothing wrong with valuing the potential in another, but when a relationship is reduced to a love based upon its potential goodness, it ceases to be a relationship at all. Rather, the one who loves the potential in another has really turned a subject into an object onto which ones own ideological goods are projected.  In other words, the relationship is incapable of love for love demands the gift and reception of the actual value of the other person, not one’s perceived value of the other!

Being faced with the Christian understanding of love, the pope comments:

We love the person complete with all his or her virtues and faults, and up to a point independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults.  The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open.  One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other’s shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them.  For the person as such never loses its essential value.  The emotion which attaches itself to the value of the person remains loyal to the human being. (L&R,  135)

The Christian call to love is a difficult reality to live.  Without the redemption afforded to us through Jesus Christ, the most we can hope for is either coping mechanisms or suppressive tactics against our distorted desires lest we fall into indulgence.  The Christian no longer needs to look at the raw material of love with fear and trepidation. Rather, Grace is afforded us in the redemption of the body so that we may live authentically human lives of love imbued with divine love.  May we all open our hearts wider to our Lord so that we may have the capacity to embrace the raw materials of love as they were intended to be embraced.  Not as an end leading to objectification, but as a powerful means to draw ever closer to the value or unrepeatability of the other!  Do we not also want to be loved for who we actually are? May God be Praised!

Living a Concrete Ideology

A student came up to me last week and told me about a discussion she had with a number of other students after a daily Mass. The question that came up from this discussion was whether or not it was healthy for a man to allow a woman to step in front of him in the communion line if she is not his girlfriend. This may sound like a scrupulous question at the surface but I was taken back by the profound theological and anthropological implications undergirding this question. The student’s ambivalent attitude toward her own opinion to this question expressed, in my opinion, the question’s natural complexity.

Those who expressed a desire to limit when a man should encourage a woman to go in front of him did so for good reasons. For starters, such a noble action could ultimately be a distraction. What if the woman genuinely takes such a gesture as a sign of interest on behalf of the man? I have had similar experiences at coffee shops when a nice girl behind the counter would say things like, “This one is on me.” I quickly found myself no longer interested in the drink which had been superseded by wonderment in her actions. One must admit that such a possibility of miscommunication is probable at times, but is such a “remedy” getting to the heart of the matter?

The problem that must be resolved is not “miscommunication” but rather the heart’s disbelief in disinterested love! While the question at hand may appear scrupulous to many, it points to a broader reality. How many times have we questioned the intention of a good action of another? It almost appears as if we are inclined to look at anything good through a lens of suspicion. In other words, behind many good actions lie selfish ends. Of course, such suspicion does not come out of a vacuum but rather from past experience. These tragic experiences of our past come from the life of concupiscence (meaning our fallen nature’s twisted inclination to be self-seeking). Thus, any action to prevent any miscommunication on behalf of the opposite sex—like the communion question—is a genuine coping mechanism for the life of concupiscence that we live in. However, while coping mechanisms are very good and needed, are we not called to something more?

We are called to the redemption of the body (cf. Rom. 8.23). Without Christ, all love (including friendship) can amount to is the accumulation of pleasures which are extremely volatile and unfulfilling. However, in the beginning it was not so (cf. Mat. 19.8). We are empowered and called in Christ to give and receive disinterested love passionately. If the heart of friendship is in the seeking the good of the other, then anything that impedes such ends must seek redemption in the love of the Lord. If that entails a concrete measure such as “coping mechanism” then so be it, but we MUST remember that we are called from repression to redemption! Coping with our fallen humanity is the equivalent to living on spiritual milk (cf. 1 Cor. 3.2). May we continue to open our hearts to the redeeming love of Christ through his Holy Church. Do not be afraid for He longs to fill us with the beatitude that comes from passionate disinterested love! May God be Praised.

Till’ Death Do Us Part: Vows of Both Love and Lust

I spoke last week about love being the fulfillment of lust. Lust is something we ought not to repress but rather complete with love through the redemption of the body (cf. Rom. 8.23). Our shared fallen humanity has compromised our ability to freely and genuinely see the person in and through the body. Because of this fact we often feel inclined either to indulge in our disordered sexual desires (i.e. animalism/hedonism), or to vehemently oppose them to the extent that we wrongfully conclude that anything associated with the body is bad (i.e. angelism/puritanism). Both attempts to assuage the dilemma of the conscience are antithetical to the Gospel message. The kingdom of God is at hand (cf. Mat. 10.7) and this affords each and every one of us the opportunity to love and even desire to love greatly here and now!

Unfortunately, the devil is rather cunning. He is fully aware of the Gospel message and he opposes it with every once of being he has. The Evil One is intimately acquainted with the desires of men and women, and it is through this knowledge that he is able to twist the good we seek into an alluring trap. While we can find some refuge in Lucifer’s inability to create, his mastery in twisting the good into seductive evil is alarming!

This is why both love and lust share similar qualities. All Satan can do is imitate that which is from God; it is always a mockery of that which is true, good and beautiful. We know from the previous column that behind love is the free and genuine gift of oneself to another. Such a gift requires sacrifice if love is to be properly expressed as self-donation. If I am to give myself to another, I must first have some kind of self-mastery, for I cannot give that which I do not have. This self-possession comes in a certain sense from a constant desire and willingness to die to oneself in those areas that compromise self-mastery. Thus, the essence of love can be seen as death to self (cf. Jn. 15.13).

In the brilliance of seduction, Satan has finely tweaked love so that it might maintain much of what humanity desires, yet lend itself the opportunity to lead to perdition rather than life! Lust shares many of the same attributes of love only the directional force of love has changed. In other words, lust is simply love turned inward. Rather than seeing the other as inherently worthy of the gift of oneself, we tend to see the other as a gift to oneself!

In this finely constructed twisting of love, lust also lends itself to death. This is part of the mockery of love! While love is the death to self, lust is the death of self. Such a distinction brilliantly articulates the seductive power of Lucifer’s ways! In the phrase “death of self,” Lust expresses itself as a paralyzing force. The connective “of” denotes the passive nature of this vice. Through the expression of lust we quickly begin to lose self-control to the point of being taken captive by its power (cf. 4 Macc. 1.3; Prov. 11.6). Lust leads to enslavement which is death!

On the other hand, the phrase “death to self,” expresses activity/life by the connective “to.” The phrase is deeply theological as it expresses both death and life within the same breath. Fundamental to love is both death and resurrection. When we deny ourselves in the name of self-mastery we are free to give of ourselves genuinely and completely to the other. Love is freedom.

While the distinctions between love and lust may appear subtle, the practical applications of these distinctions are self-evident. We love when are able to make sacrifices that may not accord with our own desires. There may be times in a relationship that you may be called to sacrifice something for the good of another (cf. 1 Cor. 9). Consider such moments a blessing from God Who calls you to love! We have a right to pursue that which is good, but sometimes we must forsake a good for the better! This is the fundamental distinction between love and lust. We cannot do this on our own. It is only through the redemption of the body through Jesus Christ that we will be able to desire the good of another in spite of our own desires. May God be Praised!

Stereograms and the Relationship Between Love and Lust

I have always had a difficult time seeing the image behind a stereogram. You know those pictures that at the surface look like colored static, but “behind” all the seemingly chaotic colors lay a concrete image? I attempted to get behind this grand mystery of the allusive image through a little research. I learned that I was engaging the picture too actively. Instead of staring at the picture intently, I was suppose to relax my eyes and see “through” the picture. With this new information in place, I approached the picture again under full expectation that I would see this hidden treasure. Low and behold, I saw nothing yet once again. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed at my ability to see beyond the surface of these seeming entertaining stereograms.

All this being said, I am quite surprised how closely the human body reflects a stereogram. In the same way the seemingly random colors on a stereogram actually reflect a concrete image to those who have eyes to see, so to does the human body reflect the person beautifully to those who have the eyes to see! Unfortunately, sin has twisted and darkened our ability to see the person reflected in the body perfectly. Instead of relaxing the eyes and seeing “through” the body, we may catch ourselves starring intently at another person with the desire to take that person to ourselves. In other words, we find ourselves starring for the sole reason to feed a passion that has arisen in our own body.

This is the distinction between love and lust. Lust is simply love turned inward. With respect to the stereogram, if we look at the picture too intensely with the purpose to “grasp” the image behind the picture we will never see it; we will simply have to do with looking at random colors. However, if we can train ourselves to relax the eyes so as to receive the picture, thus freeing us to see through the picture, we will find the hidden treasure which is reflected in the seemingly random colors. This is love!

Each of us is called to see through the body so that we may behold what the body is reflecting: a unique person worthy of love! Unfortunately, due to sin, our eyes gravitate toward viewing another through the lens of “grasping” rather than “gifting.” Similar to what I have to do with the stereogram I long to view properly, we must retrain ourselves to see beauty in its entirety. The road to this freedom to love may be long for some, but it is certainly worth it.

Jesus Christ has given His life for us so that we may live life abundantly (cf. Jn. 10.10). He wants was to be able to fulfill our deepest desires to love and to be loved. Christ continually gives Himself to the Church through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass so that those who cling to the Church may love as Christ loved: a passion­-filled love overflowing with a love that is stronger than death. We are called to love greatly, and we have the ability only because we are greatly loved by Jesus Christ. If it hasn’t been considered already, maybe try daily Mass as a way to see the Lord “behind” things that seem like bread and wine.

Reconciling Two Ideologies in Jesus Christ

Growing up as a child, my father would repeat to me over and over again his belief that the overwhelming majority of conflicts between people originated from one initial problem: a lack of communication. This familial mantra had (and continues to have) a profound impact on my life. In fact, one might say that I have become somewhat hypersensitive to “miscommunication” in light of this teaching. Honestly, my nearly OCD attention to communication may have less to do with the “familial mantra” and more to do with the fact that while I was inculcated with this lesson early on in my life, I did not always see it lived out in our own home. While I believe my family did in fact value communication, it was not something always passionately lived out. 

I say all this because I have become increasingly aware of the ideological polarity between the generations that surround me and the “baby-boomer” generations. On one end of the spectrum lay the belief that life is preeminently lived through duty, obligation, and responsibility. On the other end of the spectrum lay the conviction that life is all about living according to one’s own desires and passions. One generation gravitates toward the objective measure of happiness in exclusion to the subjective, while the other embraces the subjective reality of life in exclusion to the objective. While this is an over-simplification of the generational differences, I believe the general conclusions are accurate.

Both generational ideologies are inadequate and are in need of redemption. In the process of excluding the subjective for the objective, the older generations have potentially diminished their ability to have genuine self-knowledge, inhibiting their ability to communicate themselves deeply, freely, and lovingly. Such relationships have a tendency to be stable but passionless. On the other hand, the younger generations have whole-heartedly embraced the subjective in rejection of the objective. This is the generation of “self-help” books which call the individual into deep introspection and self-knowledge.  Unfortunately, while full of passion, many relationships are incredibly unstable going through multiple breakups. The rejection of the objective has led to consumer-based relationships which is ultimately unfulfilling.

All of this may sound rather dismal and depressing, but there is GREAT news! St. Paul always would acknowledge the problem before proclaiming the solution from the rooftops. The problem has been articulated and now we await the solution which is here if only we are willing to receive it. We have been wrestling with the deeply personal problem between what we ought to do and what we actually feel like doing. However, in the beginning, it was NOT so (cf. Mat. 19.8). Our passions and the truth of our humanity were originally perfectly integrated, and Christ has come in the flesh to reintegrate our fleshly desires with the truth of our humanity.

Christianity is not some pie-in-the-sky dream, but rather a here-and-now reality of transformation. Christ desires to redeem our passions so that we may be free to love passionately all that is true, good, and beautiful. The ideologies above are genuine but inadequate solutions to the problem of our humanity. It is only in Christ that we will be able to be loved and to love others as we were created to love; passionately and with complete self-donation! The more we find ourselves before the Blessed Sacrament, the more this dream will become a reality. May God be Praised!

Marriage and Celibacy: Reflecting Images

Transcending all my classes at Denver Seminary was the phrase, “already but not yet.” In a sense, the student could forget all else, but “already but not yet” was too critical to escape the mind and lips of the Christian. We know that redemption has been offered to us as a gift from God through the blood of Jesus Christ (cr. Jn. 3.16). The second person of the blessed trinity took on flesh so that the entire human being both body and soul could be restored into its original integrity. In other words, Christ has come so that we may love and be loved as we were created to love! This truth of the Gospel message articulates the “already” of the phrase already but not yet.

We also recognize that even though we have been baptized into Christ’s death, have received His real body and blood through the Eucharist, and have been sealed with the Holy Spirit through confirmation, we still do not always love the way we desire to love. As St. Paul beautifully confesses, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom. 7.15). What St. Paul humbly expresses reflects the “not yet” element of the phrase. While salvation in Christ is offered to each and every person here and now, its full effects will not be felt until He comes again. Our king has conquered death and is currently standing before the throne of God in heaven, continually offering supplications of Himself for all the sins committed in the world (cf. Heb. 8.1-3; 9:11-14). However, he will come back to us one day to fully inaugurate His kingdom He established upon the cross. This is a cursory reflection of what lies behind the theological phrase, already but not yet.

The point of application is in the inner integrity of the tension in the phrase already but not yet. Both the already and the not yet must be retained for the Gospel to maintain its salvific potency. A Christian who solely focuses on the “already” is doomed to scrupulosity, becoming a slave to the external law from which we were freed from in Christ. On the other hand, the Christian who restricts the faith to “not yet” rejects the salvific power of the cross for humanity resulting in an existential crisis. We can never be better than we are since we will always be a product of our fallen nature says the “not yet” Christian. The “both/and” Christian understands that there is real power in the cross for healing, but is still fully aware of his/her disordered desires that remain even after conversion.

The most concrete reality of this phrase is made manifest in the relationship between marriage and celibacy. Like already but not yet, marriage and celibacy must be held closely together for the power of the Gospel to be made manifest. In fact, marriage expresses the not yet of the kingdom of heaven while celibacy expresses the already of Christ’s inaugurated kingdom. In the truth and personal beauty of marriage, we image the inner life of the Trinity and the marriage of Christ and His Church through our intimate true communion of persons. In this image, we have hope that the sacrament of marriage will one day be fulfilled when are fully lifted up into the eternal exchange of love within the Trinity. Thus, marriage expresses the not yet of the kingdom, but a hopeful not yet!

On the other hand, celibacy in a sense bypasses the sacrament of marriage to taste more immediately that which marriage beautifully and mysteriously points toward. In the renunciation of conjugal love, celibacy in fact reveals the inner truth and divine direction of the conjugal act which is complete gift of self from God to man and man’s complete gift of self to God! Thus, a Christian who discerns one’s vocation in complete exclusion of celibacy risks reducing the sacrament of marriage to an end rather than a means to complete and eternal communion with God. Marriage is no longer a sacred bond which expresses God’s own love, but rather simply something a couple does when they like each other “enough.” On the other hand, a Christian who discerns celibacy in complete exclusion of marriage risks scrupulosity and its negative effects because they have lost the image of the hope that stands before them; the hope of being raptured with God’s divine love!

It is safe to conclude then that a proper understanding and appreciation of marriage is most fully met with a proper understanding and appreciation of celibacy (and vice versa). In and through celibacy, marriage is seen to be a sacred place whereby a male and female can give of themselves completely and entirely without reservation thus imaging the unseen divine exchange of love within the Trinity. In addition, the reflection of marriage in the mirror of priestly celibacy expresses not only a call to physical fatherhood and motherhood through gift of self, but also spiritual fatherhood and motherhood. We are called to teach our children the faith.

We are blessed at St. Toms to have such wonderful priests who joyfully embrace their vocation. I pray that everyone who has embraced the vocation of marriage may look to strengthen their marriages even more through the lens of celibacy which has been graciously presented to us through Father Kevin and Father Peter. Their sacrifice lends us the opportunity to perfect our weaknesses! In the same way, may the wonderful marriages of St. Tom’s continue to transform and strengthen their priestly vocation. May God be praised!

A Theology of the Body

Just over a month ago I had the privilege to take a six day crash-course entitled “Theology of the Body” (TOB). TOB was a working title John Paul II gave to his first major catechetical project of his pontificate which recently has been published as a second edition entitled “Man and Woman He Created Them.” I had informally familiarized myself with the subject in the past through lectures and web articles so I had an idea what I was getting into. What I didn’t know was how this class would change nearly everything in the way I think, act, and even perceive. I believe it is safe to conclude that TOB has changed my life, is changing my life, and will continue to change my life indefinitely!

John Paul’s monumental work reflects on over 1000 verses of Scripture, seeking to show that Scripture adequately portrays the human condition and directs each and every person to genuine human fulfillment. In other words, this late great pope goes to vast and beautiful lengths to show convincingly that Christianity and Christianity alone fulfills the deepest desires of a person’s heart. Christianity does not pit spirituality against physicality, but rather brings them together so intimately that they become inseparable. We need not look any further than the mystery of the incarnation for evidence of such a claim.

This theology of the body is arguably the greatest message to a world that has lost the original meaning and value of the body. To many, the body has been reduced to a means of self-gratification, and something that is fully distinguishable from the “person behind the body.” What we do with and through the body does not affect the person behind the body, proclaims the world. It is not that the world has communicated too much about the body, but that the world has communicated too little about the body deems John Paul II. It is this message that is needed more than ever! There is good news in Jesus Christ and it lies in a proper theological understanding of the body.

Beginning this fall, I will be teaching Theology of Body at the Catholic Student Center on Monday evenings. If you are interested in learning more about this theological tour-de-force, please email me and I will keep you updated as the first class approaches. If you are not sure if this would be something you’d be interested in, I would encourage you to continue reading these blogs as many of them have been and will continue to be infused with Theology of the Body.

Seeking the Unrepeatable in Another

What would the world be like if “misunderstandings” ceased to exist? What if every person you met understood you completely upon meeting you? Taking this a radical step further, what if everyone loved you in that understanding? Do we not feel at the core of our being a deep-seated desire to be understood as we are? Unfortunately, perceptions of others do not unmistakably mirror the desires of our heart. The “noise” of the world and the distortions of life that we have experienced collide with our desires and wreaks havoc with them, often times leaving a fundamental part of who we are unrecognizable to the other.

While this portrait may appear somewhat grim, it does not need to be. There is good news! Behind the desire to be understood is the profound longing to be loved “unrepeatedly.” Each one of us is a unique person created from the infinite loving wisdom of God. We are unique and unrepeatable. This unrepeatable dimension to each human being is literally chiseled into our bodies down to the seemingly irrelevant thumb print. Our bodies bear witness to the unrepeatable person, extending an invitation to be loved in a similarly unique and unrepeatable way. Unfortunately, Original Sin has darkened the body’s ability to proclaim the unrepeatable person by proposing to us that there is a disconnect between our spiritual and sensual self. Herein lay the origin of the conflict between the world and the desires of human nature.

However, in the beginning it was not so! Adam saw Eve and immediately proclaimed, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Gen. 2. 23-24). In 21^st century language Adam is saying, “From the moment you created me Lord I have felt some kind of void, a desire to be understood. You blessed me with all the animals in the world, but even after naming them the void remained; they were different than me for they could not understand me. The very physicality of my body visually proclaims the deepest desires of my heart; the desire for complete personal communion. Alas, this desire is fulfilled in this woman who stands before me. I see immediately stamped upon her body the unrepeatable person which differs from all creation. It is this unique woman whom I love and desire to serve!”

Adam could look at Eve with perfect integrity! This is what is meant in Genesis 2.25 when Scripture speaks of Adam and Eve being naked without shame. Our first two parents were able to unhesitatingly and always see the unique, unrepeatable person in the body of the other.

We also know that such perfect integrity did not last long. Seven verses later we hear after The Fall, “. . .and they knew they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons” (Gen. 3.7). After taking action to serve themselves rather than serve their God, something fundamentally changed within Adam and Eve’s relationship. They could remember the prior integrity of the body revealing the person, but now they felt something very different; enough to the point of clothing themselves due to the new experience of shame. Adam no longer viewed Eve as an unrepeatable subject to prize, but rather a repeatable object to be utilized for his own satisfaction! This is what we have inherited from our first parents. As St. Paul bone-chillingly cries, “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death” (Rom. 7.24).

“Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Rom. 7.25)! Notice how St. Paul places these dramatic verses back-to-back. Yes, we are wretched indeed. I want to love perfectly but I fall short. Thinking exclusively in terms of our fallen nature, we are left with only two options: First, we can simply succumb to our distorted desires believing that this will be the best we can ever be. Second, we could just repress the desire. Unfortunately such repression becomes a sleeping giant waiting to be released in terrible ways. But to the Christian there is a third way, and it is a beautiful way! God took on a human body so that the human body may be lifted into and participate in the eternal exchange of divine love which is perfect eros (passion) and agape (will). God has extended us a gift! He has lovingly offered us a way to love the other freely and without distortion; to see the unrepeatable person in the body of another!

An important question remains. How do we tap into this divine gift? The gift is preeminently offered to each and every one of us through the sacramental life of the Church. In the sacrament of baptism we are placed into the perfect body of Christ. Through the Holy Eucharist we receive the body of Christ which strengthens and heals our own bodies. Through frequent confession we rely on the fact that the redemption of our own bodies is not by our own accord! The battle has been fought and won; we need only to receive the gift of redemption. I pray that each of us will be able to find time each day to stand still before the Lord. To open our hearts to Him who is the exclusive healer of our distorted desires. If we can muster the strength to remove that fig leaf from ourselves before God, by the Grace of God we may one day be able to see the unrepeatable of the other with our own eyes as Adam beheld Eve! How beautiful that day will be!